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There are some pretty hilarious, superfluous “how-to” pages online. One of the most absurd is “How to scratch your back,” which offers the sage advice to “do stretching exercises daily and grow your own nails” first, or to grab a spoon and then “extend your arm up towards the ceiling if you are inside (use the sky as your guide if you are out-of-doors)” to ensure the right angle for using a makeshift scratching tool.

Determined not to leave any aspect of life un-instructed, the learned “experts” at WikiHow also offer Halloween how-to gems that are similarly unnecessary and ridiculously specific:

  • How to ignore creepy music (“Remember that all the weird music scaring you is just some tape on the tape recorder”)
  • How to draw a spooky child (“Draw her mouth as a surprised face, which is a circle like this: o”)
  • How to make a scary facial expression (“Show your teeth, and look angry”)
  • How to compose a Halloween song (“Study music theory if you are serious about learning to write music”)
  • How to eat candy (“Someone else may try to take your candy, so remember, you can always breathe later, so eat now, eat fast, eat like you were about to die”)
  • How to sit through a horror movie (“Don’t scream. Screaming is for roller coasters and when someone pours ice down your back”)

Alrighty then. Well, don’t say you didn’t know how!

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Really?? (And does the fact that she’s wearing a WikiHow shirt mean this site has employees?!)

4 thoughts on “How-Tos

  1. Who is looking up ‘How to sit through a horror movie’? If you need instructions then I don’t think you should be watching horror movies.

    And ‘how to eat candy’? Really? Do they have a page on how to eat every type of food there is?

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